DoubleThinking Or Simply Ambivalence?

I have this nagging feeling.

It’s been going on for months now..

Something that I’ve included into my life have been taken away from me, not by choice. Though I’ve willingly let them go because complications and issues would’ve been raised otherwise.

Again, these aren’t mine to start with.

Like ‘my’ car, the aqua blue Ford Fiesta hatchback that I’ve come to love over the years. It’s currently being discarded at the agent’s ’storage’ area a.k.a the front yard. It’s been like that for months now. I don’t know much about the faults yet but my dad mentioned something about the faulty electrical system that is the car. Fixing it would require another two grand, enough for a down payment for another car. Pity though, because the car has a good handling system and has an ease of maneuvering that even the most bad drivers can get away from accidents. But that is my point of view anyway.

So anyway, that’s the material thing that’s been taken away from me.

The other thing? Well, let’s just say it goes deeper than words can say. You met a person, you get to know them and somehow you’ve bonded over something, though you repeatedly say to yourself that you have nothing in common with the other person. But the reality is you’ve bonded. And you began sharing stories, hobbies, experiences and even thoughts because you know that this could never go wrong. You thought it’d never go wrong. How can it?

So, you set apart your time over your work, your family and your friends, especially for this one. Because you know they’re different from the others, special in their own way. You’ve succumb to your ’social’ needs and added another perspective to view life with. You grew to not judge other people like you used to. Not to let you suerficial mind trumps the fact that underneath all the clothes and all the make-up, they’re just your typical human.

The difference that set you and them apart is life. How they were brought up. What were they exposed to as a child, as a teenager. What growing up did to their personality and how they developed into and individual.

You try to weigh everything. Your heart and mind working together to always giving you reasonable doubt to not judge them negatively. So, you accept them as they are. You accept life as it is. Though you can’t turn ‘hate’ into ‘like’ overnight you remind yourself that things happen for a reason. You may not see it now, but somewhere in the back of your mind you convince yourself that this person went through what you did not, and you went through what you didn’t. So, life happens. Shit happens. But that’s not a good enough reason to hate your life, or hate this person totally.

People give in to temptation. When they come to their senses, they feel guilt, remorse and shame. That is the time when we need to support them, whatever their decision to make-up for their mistakes because ‘Allah maha pengampun lagi penyayang’. Why do we need to be egoistic and deny that person his share of love? Of being forgiven?

I find it easy to accept the facts, the consequences, though, I have to remind myself quite a number of times that things will not be the same again. I’ve accepted the fact that I bore people out of their guts. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not a good friend to them. I’ve accepted the fact that I sometimes eat my own words, just to get things better.

The effects? I don’t want to delve into them. Why revel in nouns and verbs that people associate with you when they only bring negative conotations, right? So, I ignore every twitch, every frown, every sinister glance and the likes of it. Beause why make a small thing into a big deal right? No point really. It only brings more rifts between everyone else on the sidelines.

On the other hand, when you lose something, you gain something else. And that something else is what I’ve let lose. Because nothing will ever come out of it even if..

It saddens me to know that  my friend whom I care deeply is  stuck between two situations. He boyfriend is a nice person, the good guy everyone would say, the best thing that could ever happen to her. I certainly agreed, in the beginning. But now I’m just torn between what is right and what people would think is right. But no matter what, I will stand by her side and support her 24/7 if need be. Because I made a promise not to let her be self-destructive again.  And I will stand by my word for what is worth.

(–,)v

~ by pin3apple on June 24, 2008.