My One True Wish..

Sometimes I swear I have the almost perfect life. A fully supportive family with all limbs accounted for.. A few lists of friends whom I can grab onto for dear life.. A wonderful lover that sees me and lets me in.. And the job that I have dreamt for since I was ten. There couldn’t be anything more I wanted right?

And my answer is no. I couldn’t ask for more..

Yet.. Here I am being wrecked to panic attacks and nervousness when busyness does not consume my time.. I am merely distraught by the thought of those higher ranked women that we call senior officers. Most if not all of them were taught through demoralising acts of bitchiness and horror that were accepted as long as it were under the term “a learning experience”.

Over the years the acts did toned down.. Maybe because they couldn’t lose anymore hands to work under them. And the people upstairs were concerned of the after-hours activity that these groups of people had..

We’re more fragile now, feeble and girly. We seek the attention of others, not through the right of way but through the social right of communicating. We talk, we asked and sometimes we ignore. We act like humans with the need to be protected by men and the simple human right. And yet we are low-lifes.

They judge us through our private life. Who we go out with. Who we surround ourselves with. And more importantly how we dress ourselves. They curse and point if we define ourselves as we like. They curse and point if we talk out of turn. They curse and point simply when we do not enslave ourselves to their everyday needs…

I am truly horrified..

All this time I thought the men were the worst, but they weren’t. Their punishments were reasoned and justified. Whereas my own gender gave so called assignments for punitive reasons..

I suffer..

But.. Days on end I pray for something to happen. Something bad or terrible to be acted on me. To be in my path of destiny or fate.. Because I want to forget them. I want to forget everything bad that has happened. What was part of the biggest event of my life turned into the most terrible of all. And I want to forget. I wish to have amnesia. I wish to forget..

But I couldn’t quit. Not willingly. Not like this. Not without a reason that would humiliate my parents all over again.. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let my family down..

I want to see a psychiatrist. Or a guidance counsellor perhaps. I need to talk about this. I need to vent. I couldn’t type everytime I get distraught..

Come to think of it. I used to write.. On paper. Entries that would normally be daily or sometimes a few in a day depends on the kind of day I’m having.. I miss my life.

Now I know I am not ready for this..

They are already judgemental of me. Just because my father once served the country they expect me to be the perfect one. The one that knows what to do, how to do it and when to do all the right suck-up kiss-in-the-arse stuff.

But I am not. Simply because my father didn’t raise me to continue his legacy. My father didn’t raise me to do what he did. My father didn’t truly expect I’d take the vital step that would burden me with his good name. That wasn’t the deal when he raised me..

He pushed me to continue my studies and not be like him. He ushered me away from the hell-like environment he knew. He guided me to another life of possibilities that I would enjoy.

But I turned around.. He was trying to save me but I willingly walked into the alligators’ nest…

They beat me down. They tear me up. They pulled my pants and pushed me into the streets. And they are proud of it.

So my one true wish is to forget. I truly wish to have amnesia..