During a night study a few months back, I think they presented a case where the statistics of army personnel getting a divorce nowadays are getting higher and that it is usually couples that are within their five years of marriage. But what they failed to do was link that statistic to the reasons that are in actuality causing the breakups. The unorganised and inefficient work that they were and still are detailed to do. It’s saddening. We, the lower power chain, can’t do much than say ‘Stay tough’ and ‘Hang on’…

On the other hand, I can’t wait to go back and be at sea again.. I feel one with it.. What I know is what I feel and sometimes, many times I do not want to go back ashore.. It’s weird.. If Waterworld were real, then maybe I’d be at sea all the time.. Ha~

Two of my good friends are here, doing the same course we’ve been doing. One of them a man who has my half of my heart and recently tore it up.. I guess it was too good to be true. But I couldn’t hang him on a life sentence without a decision though. He moved on and so I have to let him.. It all hurts the same, I didn’t know how much I loved him until now.. But no matter what, he’ll always be my guy. I guess..

And my answer is no. I couldn’t ask for more..

Yet.. Here I am being wrecked to panic attacks and nervousness when busyness does not consume my time.. I am merely distraught by the thought of those higher ranked women that we call senior officers. Most if not all of them were taught through demoralising acts of bitchiness and horror that were accepted as long as it were under the term “a learning experience”.

Over the years the acts did toned down.. Maybe because they couldn’t lose anymore hands to work under them. And the people upstairs were concerned of the after-hours activity that these groups of people had..

We’re more fragile now, feeble and girly. We seek the attention of others, not through the right of way but through the social right of communicating. We talk, we asked and sometimes we ignore. We act like humans with the need to be protected by men and the simple human right. And yet we are low-lifes.

They judge us through our private life. Who we go out with. Who we surround ourselves with. And more importantly how we dress ourselves. They curse and point if we define ourselves as we like. They curse and point if we talk out of turn. They curse and point simply when we do not enslave ourselves to their everyday needs…

I am truly horrified..

All this time I thought the men were the worst, but they weren’t. Their punishments were reasoned and justified. Whereas my own gender gave so called assignments for punitive reasons..

I suffer..

But.. Days on end I pray for something to happen. Something bad or terrible to be acted on me. To be in my path of destiny or fate.. Because I want to forget them. I want to forget everything bad that has happened. What was part of the biggest event of my life turned into the most terrible of all. And I want to forget. I wish to have amnesia. I wish to forget..

But I couldn’t quit. Not willingly. Not like this. Not without a reason that would humiliate my parents all over again.. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let my family down..

I want to see a psychiatrist. Or a guidance counsellor perhaps. I need to talk about this. I need to vent. I couldn’t type everytime I get distraught..

Come to think of it. I used to write.. On paper. Entries that would normally be daily or sometimes a few in a day depends on the kind of day I’m having.. I miss my life.

Now I know I am not ready for this..

They are already judgemental of me. Just because my father once served the country they expect me to be the perfect one. The one that knows what to do, how to do it and when to do all the right suck-up kiss-in-the-arse stuff.

But I am not. Simply because my father didn’t raise me to continue his legacy. My father didn’t raise me to do what he did. My father didn’t truly expect I’d take the vital step that would burden me with his good name. That wasn’t the deal when he raised me..

He pushed me to continue my studies and not be like him. He ushered me away from the hell-like environment he knew. He guided me to another life of possibilities that I would enjoy.

But I turned around.. He was trying to save me but I willingly walked into the alligators’ nest…

They beat me down. They tear me up. They pulled my pants and pushed me into the streets. And they are proud of it.

So my one true wish is to forget. I truly wish to have amnesia..

After reading the article, I pat the MOE on their back and say “Finally!”

Because after years of continually supporting the very brightest of our students by sending them anywhere overseas, for above average education, the government has finally taken the step back to review the whole cycle and spotted what was wrong.

Why are we still short of specialists? Aren’t we sending enough to fill the gap?

Aren’t the Brunei government spending more than enough money to ensure the survivability of Bruneians within the country alone? And then we have be so ungrateful and selfish to take advantage of that?

The thing is, though we’re taking steps to change, its still not enough nor is it thorough.. I mean Britain didn’t change overnight, they stripped their kings off their power here~

So, I suggest that in order for people to know how much money are spent on them by the country, they have to know. Make a census, a study, individually, per family, per capita, annually, bi-annually, etcetera. I’m confident in this. Because if they know and truly understand what it takes to ensure Brunei wakes up everyday and sleep every night without trouble, they will reconsider everything before doing it. Because what they will do will affect them. And they are fully aware of it and be more responsible.

Who’re paying for the medicines I get for only a dollar or five?

Who’s paying for my medical treatment?

The road that are connecting our houses to schools, shophouses and offices. Did I pay for them?

Most importantly, fuel. Would I pay $130++ for a litre of it?? Gosh I bet we’d have more people riding bikes than ever if we have too..

See…We don’t get information here. No matter where we seek or who we ask. No one is telling us because they also don’t know the figures!

So the Government plans to develop the country by all means and is now in the 9th National Development Plan which includes on building and establishing a Defence Academy. How are they going to do all that? By using the country’s annual revenue that is, heavily depending on oil and gas trades.

But I still think they’re overlooking a vital issue on every development they make. Who’s taking care of maintenance? And the price will depend on the standard of the building material. If they use shitty low grade cement/sand to build another Science College that is soon to crumble down, then they’re gonna spend a lot more on maintenance than building it.

We can’t blame them. Not their fault anyway. But we do point fingers to the contractors that wins the call. The lower they cost, the more likely they are to get the job. And what a work that’ll be. Construction workers working in a non-safe environment, no hooks or links to ensure they don’t fall off a high building or any other scenarios. We gotta stop this. Stop taking an offer just because its cheap.

And I digress.

To all Bruneians, wherever you are. You owe the Brunei Government A LOT. From the moment you breathe in the air until now. Heck! Even before you were born, the government has already spent money on you! So please, and I say this with all the respect I have for my own beloved King & country, come back and serve your country without fail. Like it has never failed you.

- OUT -

The first time we met, he caught my eye with his cute boy face. He is as a matter of fact a few years younger than I am. Whilst training and working together as trainees, I usually find myself going to him. For anything. From a chat to a drink to an advice. And he’s always been there for me.

He’d say things like “I like your eyes” or “I like your smile” or something..and I always brush the off because he’s a guy hitting on a girl. And I was somewhat unavailable, then and now. At time he’d offer a proposition and as per usual I’d say “Not now”.

That is my usual answer.

THen last week, as I was checking out my Facebook, he got me online and started a normal chat. Told me he was with this girl last night and the episode ran for about 120 minutes. I was like “What the hell? You onto something or what?” He just went to tell how the date was blablabla~

Diverting the topic I came to ask of him about his relationship with his ‘soon to be’ girlfriend. “Can’t stay with anyone for a longer time nowadays,” he said. I was curious as to why so I probed a little.

“Its because of you”..

I raised an eyebrow and asked “Why?”.

He started with an “I don’t know~” then went on to say a few of the lines that could make me fall for him, if I haven’t already fallen that is. He said it was something about me that makes him always come back to me, always comparing a girl with me for reasons he himself hadn’t figured yet.

And there I was, sitting in front of this laptop with my mouth gaped and my heart having a little exercise on its own.. “I thought I was having the little crush~”

You see, we started a little scheme him and I.. Since we’re both comfortable with each other, our Facebook status says we’re in a relationship. And when people come up to me and ask who’s my boyfriend, I’d straight up and tell ‘em “It’s him”. And go my peaceful ways.. The whole unit knows. Hopefully the top knows too. ’cause I wish to divert their attention from my ‘having a relationship with a girl to she’s not a lesbian’ perception.

Even my dad knows this guy.. And seems they’re okay with him. And in ‘they’ I mean both my parents and my three younger siblings whom I love dearly. Their thoughts on who’s in my love counts. More or less..

Now here I am in this Motherland and they’re there in Homeland. Mum said my father wants to have a chat about my after-working hours activity. Which I could expect the worse; no coming home on weeknights, always eat with the others, no hanging out until late, blablabla~ I don’t mind though.. Just don’t want them to stump my love life is all..

I am considering to have him as my husband in the future. I did mention to him when we get promoted to a certain rank, I’m open to marriage. And he did say that’ll be way late. But it’s a chance I got to take. I have a career and I have chosen a path. I won’t have it slowed down or stopped just because I decided to be someone’s wife.

Anyway, Saturday’s almost over. And I spent 95% of the day in bed. Oh how I love lazing around all day~ On the other hand, I do realise I’m gaining those spiteful pounds again.. *sigh*

Oh well, tomorrow’s a Sunday and we’re going to another training school for the week. Unless there’s internet, I bid you a pleasant week~

xoxo

Today, or rather tonight, while preparing for a day of war at the simulator, my mind decided to revisit my glorify past.. School, friends, homework, teachers, recess, sleep, love, driving, netball.. All that stuff that I love to hate and learn to love.

Time has changed. I’ve disappeared into a world that I chose. Under a title that I’ve been dreaming of before I knew what puberty was and to say I am proud of it is a disputed statement.

True, my disappearance was because of my training. I have left almost all of my social networking sites to in an attempt to focus on my sole goal. ‘To graduate with a potential performance’ and set peoples’ hindsight on me. I did that and dare I say I succeeded. But now I can’t get them off of my back. “Careful what you wish for” rings a bell~ *sigh*

I dived and delved into this world that I yearned for immediately after graduation.. I wanted recognition and I was recognised. Pulled and yanked from all different directions at a time.. And I swear at times I want to give up and quit. Almost. Almost.

My social life was stumped. Not by work directly. But by me. In an effort to please everyone and make sure my paper is purely clean, I immersed myself in work, sitting with my laptop open on hours, discussing on ends, going from one place to another to make sure everything is right and ready for the event. I felt great. Though it made some crossfires, I feel good when my work is acknowledged and appreciated.

Friends? What friends? I’m ashamed to call myself with that word. I haven’t been seeing them, talking to them, even texting them to see how they are.. I don’t even know if they’re in the country or abroad even. My Princess.. Oh how I missed her dearly.. Many a times I wanted to go see her, console her, just simply be with her like before. But I realised a little too late that I was cutting all ties to the people who cared.. Work didn’t help either.. I’d make plans and dates but it always gets cancelled at the last hour and I’m stuck with work. On the other hand, every spare hour I have, I try to spend it with my significant other. No.. It’s not person you think it is..

I’m with someone new. Someone whom I CHOSE for a change. And she’s totally different from the other one. You see, I have a thing for cute-ness. And hers, I just lost to, over and over again. My blood got the better of me and before I knew it, she tasted good.. And I knew from then on, I couldn’t turn back even if I wanted to. She get my adrenaline on the run even at the touch of a finger, a smile on her face, a sniff of her perfume.. We’ve marked a year now and I know she’s the one and I miss her everyday I’m away from her..

And being in a totally different country with a different climate and environment makes that needy-ness a little less. I got what I worked hard for during that short months I worked my arse off. I am now in the UK, undergoing the first step in my line of work. And I am thankful, grateful and bloody relieved that I am here, if only for a short period of time.. And I can only dread what those awful pricks have in store for me once I’m done here..

Then she called me, for a few moments a hear sighs and a sad ‘hello’. Then she started the conversation saying that she’s pissed off at her ex- because she didn’t even picked her call up or replied her text messages. She says she’s tired of being nice to people when  they aren’t to her. I told her she’s being nice to the wrong people that’s why she’s messed up.  I asked her what she’s gonna do tonight since she can’t sleep, she has no idea. Bla bla bla we ended the conversation because I think she needed some sleep.

And another thing, my brother decided to bring a ‘friend’ for a sleepover tonight. Damn I can hear her moaning!!!!! I can’t sleep in my room ’cause I know wht they’re doing in there. Damn..

Because I find it rare to find another person using the English that I am using. Because of One Tree Hill, House MD & CSIs, I find almost every other person is using the American English to converse or write. Because I find the dictionary too is unwilling to take notice of this. 

Gone are the days when our radio frequencies can catch Capital fm on the stereo. Gone are the days of British & Australian expats coming here and exposing us to the ‘correct’ use and type of English. Gone are the days when English, known to us has only one face.

I still remember my high school years where my Singaporean English teacher always reminded us to use the BRitish English. To use ‘s’ and not ‘z’ in ‘organisation’ and ‘emphasise’. To pronounce ‘singing’ and ‘hypocrite’ in the way the British say it but still understandable to the Bruneian ears. Teachers play an important role in exposing the young’ens to the correct English. When I was doing my teaching-practice just a few months ago, I got this very good co-operating teacher and she gave me excellent advice and showed what she wanted in my performance. In her mind is that her pupils are exposed to the fun way of learning English and that it’s correctly pronounced and every syllable enunciated so that they can see and hear the difference. And this is the kind of teacher that we want in our schools, the ones who are passionate about teaching and despite their hectic lives, can give the best education to their pupils. And so I think the new scheme introduced my the MOE is terrific and wonderful, in order to define quality teaching amongst BRuneian.

So, back on track, an important urgent matter is that Brunei is still giving it’s citizens the English examination papers from the UK. Brunei is still sending a majority of other exam papers to the UK to be marked and checked. Brunei is still and will be consulting top UK language experts for the English language.

This is what should be made clear off. That the tv series we watch are mostly American programmes that uses the American English. American English is way on the other side of the English we should be using. But then here we are devotedly sitting in front of the tv every night, flipping through channels for our favourite drama and learn English through it. I’ve done an informal and small observation that BBCE and the Australian programmes aren’t getting the attention they should. It happens in my family too. I wanted to watch Waterloo Road or McCleod’s Daughters or THe Weakest Link even, my siblings would groan and moan.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if our students write an astoundingly wonderful and colourful essay, or a simple two-sentence answer, if the spelling isn’t correct, then won’t be given the mark they should have. 

So please, to everyone out there, teachers, tutors, lecturers, government staff, please use English-English so that confusion can be rid and that students would have a higher mark in their exams.

It started in a bookstore. My younger siblings and I were searching for a book while waiting for a seminar to start. While walking through the shelves, I kinda stumbled on an old friend. I was surprised but she had this look on her face. I was taken aback. I know in the real world she has a boyfriend and is going to get married anytime soon. So in dream world she was coming onto me, asking me how my sister is but saying a different name, standing very close and all. She had this look that made me wonder. I made a move, touching her and she responded positively. I took this as a yes. So she turned around and started to lead the way but when she saw this creepy guy who keeps eyeing her, she walked towards him while I went on the other way. Turned out that was the boyfriend.

Once I stepped out of the store, I was back in the seminar hall with my siblings, walking to the front seats to get a better view of the speaker. We had fun. And I woke up. I woke up to my girlfriend’s voice. We talked for a couple of minutes. I could tell she had an unsettling night while I was fast in dreamland. I’m thinking of surprising her today, if I got the time to drive all the way up there. Gosh.. I miss her. *sigh*

The Clubmoss is also called Tapuk-Tapuk in Malay and can be found in open sandy areas all over the country. 

I cannot find the actual name for this plant, thus calling it the Red Leafed Plant.

I know the picture is not clear, but that is a Flame Skimmer Dragonfly commonly found in freshwater bodies.

The closest I could get was Indian Strawberry. But I know for a fact that the flower in the picture is not named that way, I’ve forgotten the actual name that I got for it when I did my science project. Aaaaa!!!

Another unknown plant.

White flower with purple stripes in the middle, like a small orchid.

Called the Hardy Bracken Fern, thrives in poor soil condition and can survive being burned.

Cute little daisies but its not it. The flowers are just like that, white minut petals. 

The White Ball Acacia flower that we love to blow off the stalk. 

If this is not the yellow dominating Acacia tree then it is one of those with the red young leaves.

This looks like a Liverwort but I think it’s not. 

SO um..that’s it. Oh! These pictures were taken with the N72 camera so that’s why you can’t see the little small details. It’s not a micro camera.