I can’t seem to get into a deep slumber tonight.. Only got a shut eye for about an hour earlier and then it was a mental highway ’cause my brain just won’t stop. However in that brief moment, I didn’t think I was really sleeping because I was making a story in my head, involving my girlfriend, her ex- and her best friend. And in that time my heart just wouldn’t rest. Instead it beat harder than usual, aiding to my already existing headache due to the lack of sleep I’ve been having lately.. In that ‘dream’ I was at her place then the ex- came saying she wants to talk with her. I told her to get into my car and I’ll drive her there, but she brushed me off and told me to wait there. I was stunned, believe it or not, I felt betryed and hurt. So I left the place and went to one of her bestfriend’s place. I confided in her, I told her what was happening, she tried her best to console me. I asked her to be honest with me if, for all this time, her bestfriend was playing me and she said they started a while ago and that she was willing to forgive what the ex- did. And I was stabbed, cut, slit, whatever you call it. It hurt. My heart torn into pieces and I can’t even recollect it. I bawled my eyes out then somehow fell asleep. I remembered my girlfriend being there but I took off, told her to stay away from me. I drove to the one guy that would stay with me.

Then she called me, for a few moments a hear sighs and a sad ‘hello’. Then she started the conversation saying that she’s pissed off at her ex- because she didn’t even picked her call up or replied her text messages. She says she’s tired of being nice to people when  they aren’t to her. I told her she’s being nice to the wrong people that’s why she’s messed up.  I asked her what she’s gonna do tonight since she can’t sleep, she has no idea. Bla bla bla we ended the conversation because I think she needed some sleep.

And another thing, my brother decided to bring a ‘friend’ for a sleepover tonight. Damn I can hear her moaning!!!!! I can’t sleep in my room ’cause I know wht they’re doing in there. Damn..

2309hours. I got back from my girlfriend’s place about fifteen minutes ago. We had an argument of sorts that mainly revolves around money. I’ve been looking at this issue blind-sided and in denial since my last day in school. Now the Government has cut me off and I can’t really rely on my family for financial support when I’m old enough to hold a job. Truth is I don’t feel like working some menial jobs when I want that three-thousand. I can’t bring myself to find a decent enough job to pay myself daily. Now I got my girlfriendinto this mess. She’s been supporting me all this month and I feel like I’m with her for her money. She’s been having enough problems of her own and now I splashed mine on her. *sigh* Another sad truth? I’ve been avoiding my girlfriends just because I don’t have money to spend. Because I know that everytime we go out together, money is always spent. Because I’m the only person without a job and therefore without money and therefore has nothing. I’ve been praying so hard that our 10year anniversary will be delayed as far as it can be Just because I don’t have money to buy them gifts. Because, althought they know I am jobless, in their heads I will always have some cash in my wallet, I’d always have some cash to spare. That’s me. But now I’m not. I haven’t been that person for a long time now and no one realises that. Except for my girl and princess. The only difference is only one of them I let in, and sadly that’snot my girl. I love my girlfriend to death,  I just don’t want her to think about what’s bothering me. I just want her to enjoy life with me and be happy. I want to be the cause of the smile on her face and not the tears. We’ve been having mini-arguments and up until now, they were meaningless. But tonight, after tonight, she doesn’t want to see me? I don’t need money to be with her. I dont want her money!

I wonder how many people do realise that English has different kinds.. I wonder how many people stop and think which English to use when they write a letter or an essay.. I wonder if teachers or educationalists care to emphasise this matter to their learners..

Because I find it rare to find another person using the English that I am using. Because of One Tree Hill, House MD & CSIs, I find almost every other person is using the American English to converse or write. Because I find the dictionary too is unwilling to take notice of this. 

Gone are the days when our radio frequencies can catch Capital fm on the stereo. Gone are the days of British & Australian expats coming here and exposing us to the ‘correct’ use and type of English. Gone are the days when English, known to us has only one face.

I still remember my high school years where my Singaporean English teacher always reminded us to use the BRitish English. To use ’s’ and not ‘z’ in ‘organisation’ and ‘emphasise’. To pronounce ’singing’ and ‘hypocrite’ in the way the British say it but still understandable to the Bruneian ears. Teachers play an important role in exposing the young’ens to the correct English. When I was doing my teaching-practice just a few months ago, I got this very good co-operating teacher and she gave me excellent advice and showed what she wanted in my performance. In her mind is that her pupils are exposed to the fun way of learning English and that it’s correctly pronounced and every syllable enunciated so that they can see and hear the difference. And this is the kind of teacher that we want in our schools, the ones who are passionate about teaching and despite their hectic lives, can give the best education to their pupils. And so I think the new scheme introduced my the MOE is terrific and wonderful, in order to define quality teaching amongst BRuneian.

So, back on track, an important urgent matter is that Brunei is still giving it’s citizens the English examination papers from the UK. Brunei is still sending a majority of other exam papers to the UK to be marked and checked. Brunei is still and will be consulting top UK language experts for the English language.

This is what should be made clear off. That the tv series we watch are mostly American programmes that uses the American English. American English is way on the other side of the English we should be using. But then here we are devotedly sitting in front of the tv every night, flipping through channels for our favourite drama and learn English through it. I’ve done an informal and small observation that BBCE and the Australian programmes aren’t getting the attention they should. It happens in my family too. I wanted to watch Waterloo Road or McCleod’s Daughters or THe Weakest Link even, my siblings would groan and moan.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if our students write an astoundingly wonderful and colourful essay, or a simple two-sentence answer, if the spelling isn’t correct, then won’t be given the mark they should have. 

So please, to everyone out there, teachers, tutors, lecturers, government staff, please use English-English so that confusion can be rid and that students would have a higher mark in their exams.

I had this weird dream. Gosh I’m glad the phone call woke me up..

It started in a bookstore. My younger siblings and I were searching for a book while waiting for a seminar to start. While walking through the shelves, I kinda stumbled on an old friend. I was surprised but she had this look on her face. I was taken aback. I know in the real world she has a boyfriend and is going to get married anytime soon. So in dream world she was coming onto me, asking me how my sister is but saying a different name, standing very close and all. She had this look that made me wonder. I made a move, touching her and she responded positively. I took this as a yes. So she turned around and started to lead the way but when she saw this creepy guy who keeps eyeing her, she walked towards him while I went on the other way. Turned out that was the boyfriend.

Once I stepped out of the store, I was back in the seminar hall with my siblings, walking to the front seats to get a better view of the speaker. We had fun. And I woke up. I woke up to my girlfriend’s voice. We talked for a couple of minutes. I could tell she had an unsettling night while I was fast in dreamland. I’m thinking of surprising her today, if I got the time to drive all the way up there. Gosh.. I miss her. *sigh*

It’s been ages since I’ve last blogged. Hmm.. Just want to put up some of the plants that have grown in our backyard when we let them grow.

The Clubmoss is also called Tapuk-Tapuk in Malay and can be found in open sandy areas all over the country. 

I cannot find the actual name for this plant, thus calling it the Red Leafed Plant.

I know the picture is not clear, but that is a Flame Skimmer Dragonfly commonly found in freshwater bodies.

The closest I could get was Indian Strawberry. But I know for a fact that the flower in the picture is not named that way, I’ve forgotten the actual name that I got for it when I did my science project. Aaaaa!!!

Another unknown plant.

White flower with purple stripes in the middle, like a small orchid.

Called the Hardy Bracken Fern, thrives in poor soil condition and can survive being burned.

Cute little daisies but its not it. The flowers are just like that, white minut petals. 

The White Ball Acacia flower that we love to blow off the stalk. 

If this is not the yellow dominating Acacia tree then it is one of those with the red young leaves.

This looks like a Liverwort but I think it’s not. 

SO um..that’s it. Oh! These pictures were taken with the N72 camera so that’s why you can’t see the little small details. It’s not a micro camera. 

And it’s my dad’s birthday next week. I wonder what we’ll do for him, if any.. I actually feel like wrestling him to the ground for no reason at all. *lol*

Teaching practice is doing fine, I guess. The rest of the girls are busy as well. I think I’m the only one amongst us that’s not really getting ahead of myself, i.e. not really working to get a B average for TP. Got a new addition to my Year 2 today and he looks kinda funny. Like a cartoon character somehow, with his big round eyes, skinny body and a bubble head. Hehe.. Bedusa eyh.. But other than that, things in school are okay. My supervisor came in last Saturday and as expected, she ranked my class management skills as 2/5. And all her comments and grades are what my CT has been talking to me about since she first observed my teaching, which was about a month ago? Heh.. But it’s all good~ I’m trying a new thing starting this week. I’ve introduced a ‘Good boys&girls’ chart in the room and told them that who has the most ticks by the end of the period will get something from me. It got their attention. One boy even cried because I didn’t tick his name.. Haha!

I went to watch Fast & Furious earlier today. Had to talk my girlfriend into letting me go alone. Watched it at the Empire and I was the only one! Haha! I had a throw over me because that place is so damn cold, I had my feet up the chairs and made the place like home. Hehe.. Well, ten minutes later two guys came in with little fuss. I guess they had nothing to do since I saw them sitting around after the movie ended. Did I like the latest installation? It can do. I had to wrap my head around the characters for the first 15 minutes. And then it was smooth sailing. I LOVE THE CARS!! Gosh.. I think I’m gonna have a hot pink saloon, good? Hahahhahaa~ Nah.. Just kidding. But I know I want to get my hands on a high-spec Mazda soon.
On a different note, I was doing some work a few hours ago when my girlfriend’s voice suddenly came into my head. “How come you never write anymore since we’ve been together?”

That question is questionable in its nature. And it got me thinking for all this time.. ‘How come I rarely write nowadays? Hmm…’

Because teaching has got me up my nose?

Because almost all of my waking hours are spent me being sleepy?

Because other than sleeping, I can’t bring myself to think about my feelings?

Because now, I got you?

Now, I can text or call you up and say what I want to say.

Now, I can be with you and not hide.

Now, I can show you what it feels like to be loved with no one else in the way.

I do admit that words are my strength, but it’s also my biggest flaw.

Because I can be away from you and say a million things.

Because I can be right in front of you and have nothing to say.

For you take my breath away with one smile.

For you shake my walls with one touch.

For you take me to the clouds with one look.

And it’s been that way for a while now. And it’ll stay that way for a while longer. Jozey, 143.

Right about this time last month, I made a decision to break up with my 4month old girlfriend just because, above else, she didn’t want break up with the other girl. As the days roll by, I set the plan to motion and stayed with it. For more or less two weeks. The days were okay because I was usually with a friend, i.e. my ex-boyfriend. I counted, only two out of the rest of the nights was I up crying in the middle of the night, sleepless and yearning. She would text me almost everyday, acting like we’re still together, not accepting the fact. She lost her appetite, couldn’t sleep well, constantly crying and other things that a heartbroken person would do. I usually avoid responding her messages but can’t avoid her calls. The ‘i love you’s and ‘i miss you’s were already opt out of my speech. Which would make her more down..

On the 18th, I made a decision to see her. I could still remember that night. It was around 12.50am that I’d arrived at her sister’s place. My point of going there was to simply cruise around with her for the last time, leaving her with the blackbook and the necklace she gave me. But when I got there she looked worn, and invited me in. And so I got my hopes up, I thought ‘We’re not breaking up, we’re making up.’

So, we got into the bedroom. Actually, sneaked in. She was standing around, me being tired from a 90 minute drive, just plopped down on the bed and started the conversation. “How are you?” I asked. She lied down with me and she started talking about how she was feeling, what she was doing, and all the other girls she’s been hooking up with. And I was indifferent about it. Before my talk with my little sister, I couldn’t accept the fact that she has this line of girls wanting to be with her. But that night it didn’t mattered. Who was I kidding? I didn’t want commitment. I didn’t want to be tied down. But I asked her to settle down with me? I was up in my head.

And so we talked.. I avoided talking about me because I didn’t want her to know what I was up too, so I asked about her. And she was willing to talk, but asked me the same questions back. Now, that night I had my first ‘make-up’ sex. I’ve heard it being great and everything. And it was. Fulfilling. I realise I missed her so much. Like she said, “This feels right.” We ended up holding each other to sleep for about an hour before she snucked me out again.

Following that night, things are okay again. Yes, the other girl still exist. In fact, they fought a few hours ago and her phone got broken. They fight often. I guess it’s undeniable when you’re stuck in a relationship simply because you don’t want to leave that person when their world is going down. Why can’t she just up and leave the other girl a few months ago when she was okay? Oh right! She wanted revenge. Or so she said..

So, here I am. After spending a three-day weekend with her, now we’re apart because yesterday was their one-year  anniversary. I don’t mind my time alone, her disappearing gives me more time alone to do my research. But now she wants me to chip in fixing her broken phone. Why can’t she ask the other girl? Oh right, she’s jobless. That’s right she quit her job so she coud spend every waking hour with her. Gosh I hate that girl..

On other things, we think one of our lecturers got heartbroken over the week. We’re glad that we could cheer her up earlier today, but I fear if she would go down again sometime soon. I curse the person who made her feel that bad.

Our teaching practice will start next week, 2nd February 2009. I’m still unsure whether I could pull through. But I’ve met few of my lecturers and they all gave me some pointers.  What’s left is finding out who my cooperative teacher is.

So, that’s it. I need to go back to sleep because tomorrow I want to spend time in the library to do some searching. Nytez~

(–,)v

Well, all the hoo-ha~ has been overplayed. Yesterday the exam results were out and the Chancellor Hall wasn’t as crowded as it should be. There used to be no or little space for people to move around the space that they have to play tag with other people somehow. But yesterday it was ‘calm’ and people were relaxed. Maybe people were still having their holidays and all.. Or staying sick at home like a friend of mine..

My results were better than I expected. You know with all the major blanks in my answer booklets I was expecting to get D’s in a few courses. But I didn’t. WOW. The assignments did help. I got the sms result when I was with Shah, well I was with him the whole day yesterday. *lol* So, we went there. I had to talk him into going in the Halls with me rather than leaving him to wait in the car. Amongst all the other courses taken by our programme, Science had the most ‘beautiful’ letters listed on it. There were few C’s and more D’s. I can’t imagine what Ayun feels..

Been spending a lot of time with Shah this time.. He’s such a joker, I have to mentally kick myself to enjoy my time with him. *lol* And no, sayang-sayangku.. Him and I are not back together and so it doesn’t make us a couple. Okay? Hehe… Aku mau si Tajul bah……..

Right, I suddenly lost my vision of blogging because my ex- suddenly appeared on msn. Huhu~ Gosh I don’t know what to do with her.. She’s hot and cold the same time. I do still love her, but her life choices made my decision to break up with her all the more firm. Guess it’s time eyh..
(–,)v

I guess it’s appropriate timing as well.. I ended my relationship last night, we’ve stalled enough time and it climax last night. But my way of breaking up was kinda ‘lame’ as you may call it. I didn’t want to stay up last night and think about her, so I popped a few pills and got to sleep. The reason? She can’t commit to me, she doesn’t want to, no matter what she feels for me. So I had to do it. I spent the last four months being paraniod, having sleep deprivation, having my increase in irregular heartbeats because of her and her ways. I have been having an affair with her and I was her ‘mistress’. And I couldn’t take it anymore. I gave her an ultimatum, and I wasn’t even on her priority. If she were a man, I would reconsider keeping this relationship, but a female-female relationship in my country? It doesn’t go anywhere, so why bother, right? A player will always be a player no matter what happens. Losing a love one doesn’t change them, not a little bit. There’s so much I need to vent yet I can’t write everything down. Yes, I am broken. Heartbroken because I have to let her go, because she didn’t fight for me, because she didn’t choose me. But I’ll get up and go my own way. I’ve done this before. I broken my heart and moved on, albeit it took time, but I got there with a mended heart. Only my best-friends know about this, the rest will know in time. When I’m not this broken down.

(–,)v

This has been a good day, it’s eight minutes to 6pm now and I’m in my room getting ready for a nap. My head feels heavy..

Started my morning by debating, in my head, whether I should jog or not. Then in the end, I did went with my father. After about an hour or so then we headed home. After that, I kinda went slacking in here, watching Heroes season One. I’m trying to finish it so I can move to the second season. A little before 4pm, I went for a jog again at Tasek Lama, stayed there til a quarter past five. HM’s wife was there with the children. I stayed sitting on a bench there, getting a good view of them, with all the care-takers and bodyguards. She’s okay in person, I think she’s still kinda weirded out by this. Her son is soooooo cute, I bet he’s gonna be handsome when he grows up. The little baby girl is adorable. Her crib was purple!!! Ngaaaaa~~~ It was pretty..
Then on my way out, I walked past my main reason to jog there this afternoon. Fai. Hehehe~ I know.. I felt like seeing her and tease her a little, so I went there earlier before people get out of offices and intentionally stayed there, waiting for her to show up. I had actually given up searching for her when I got out of the place. I saw her saw me, and she was surprised and didn’t know what to do. She had her hair tied back, and wore an orange t-shirt. Other than that, I don’t know. I didn’t even look at her friend. *lol* I was content with looking at her and just give a raised eyebrow with a smirk. Hehehe.. Evil~~

Now, I’m gonna feed my tummy, watch Heroes and and get some sleep. Not necessarily in that order, but will do all of them.

(–,)v